Joined: 12 May 2004 Posts: 2367 Location: Brewer, Maine
Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:06 am Post subject: 100 Facts That I Have Learned From Hollywood
Here's 100 - 50
100.) There are ghosts. Explaining why this is true is harder than understanding it just is.
99.) Despite any lack of physical evidence, certain phenomena such as the Loch Ness Monster, Atlantis, Count Dracula, Frankenstein, etc. are known to exist. Itís just that they are really good at hiding.
98.) No matter how many times they get shot, the hero, in any given situation, will survive. This also applies to blood lost and severe beatings.
97.) People who truly do extraordinary things do them during wars. The rest of the time human beings are basically fluffing off.
96.) It is possible to breathe in deep space without any kind of oxygen source. NASA has been spending ridiculous amounts of money on unnecessary breathing apparatuses.
95.) Although gangs and crime rings kill, maim, sell drugs, encourage prostitution, support alcohol abuse and act like they are above the law, they are noble organizations of tough and like minded geniuses whom have been dealt a bad hand by fate. We should all feel inspired by their courageous stories.
94.) The thing that humans enjoy most is being surprised. If someone you love wants a DVD player, get him or her a yo-yo because itís all about the surprise ending.
93.) Total ruthless evil is entertainment. If we had the Devil caught on tape it would be on primetime TV. When is Donald Trump on?
92.) King Arthur never had a horse. He had a servant with two halves of coconuts and he was banging them together. No word on how he got the coconut.
91.) If you are going to fight crime without superhuman powers you had better have one heck of a car and rock-hard plastic abs.
90.) The Scottish do wear skirts but that does not diminish the fact that they are ruthless. They also do not wear underwear.
89.) If you get caught in a tornado, stay in the house. Unless of course you think you can survive a house landing on you.
88.) Somewhere out there is a dead guy, running around in a rabbit costume trying to stop his own death and the death of a young girl.
87.) You can levitate heavy objects using the force. Personally I recommend that force be a crane but apparently that is considered cheating.
86.) If you need to travel through time it is best to go alone in a complex machine that you yourself did not invent.
85.) People who are trained by the government to kill often become murderers.
84.) Bruce Willis has 65 gallons of blood flowing through his veins at all times in case he needs to bleed profusely for over an hour.
83.) Vietnam claimed only a few more lives than the A-Hole drill instructors at basic training.
82.) There is no danger in taking giant uncalculated risks when it comes to nature. Nature is a gentle and forgiving force that willÖ oh wait. You die in the end. So you can do it for a while but then nature will get you. Man, nature likes to set you up.
81.) Fish talk. So do rats, birds, rhinos, elephants and teapots. Also so does everything ever. All animals, minerals and plants speak perfect English. Just not when you are around.
80.) People, when exposed to radioactive materials, do crazy stuff. Like stretch, a lot. Or become rock. Or turn into fire. Or invisible, along with other stuff. Itís really weird.
79.) ROUS stands for rodents of unusual size. It also appears that there may have been text messaging since the early 1990s.
78.) The Dude abides. I donít know about you but I get a great amount of comfort from that. Just knowing he is out there doing his thing.
77.) A Pooka is a large invisible spirit thing that usually takes on the form of an animal and gets people committed to insane asylums.
76.) If you hate Punxsutawney Phil then you will never wake up in a new day. That is, until your boss sleeps with you. Itís more gross if your boss is an 85 year-old, overweight smoker with webbed feet and an extra nipple but itís okay if she is younger than you and hot.
75.) If either Queen Latifah or Sinbad come to live with you hilarity will ensue!
74.) Revenge is a dish best served cold. That is unless you are having it served to you, in which case you are probably already screwed.
73.) The world is fake and we are all just batteries for our robot lords.
72.) The robots are sending a drone back in time to kill Sarah Conners. They didnít try to kill her when she was young and defenseless. Rather they decided it would work best if they tried to kill her when she was grown up and defended by a crappy robot with a dumb accent.
71.) Robots from the future will have accents.
70.) The French prefer to speak English when nobody else is around but they just donít want to appear weak. So do the Chinese, Japanese and the rest of the world, except terrorists. They never speak English.
69.) When the devil decides to occupy an empty vessel and holy water doesnít work you need to kill two priests.
68.) If you bring any large creature into a major metropolitan area it will escape and wreck the whole downtown arts district. Animals hate art especially when it is profitable.
67.) When you look at your son hold him up to the sun. That way if you drop him you can claim the sun hurt your eyes.
66.) Bad guys all have a soft spot. They all have a heart and when you strip away the killing and guns they are all scared. Either scared or really truly crazy, one or the other.
65.) Toys, when we are not around, attack each other in a battle for the right to be played with. When your toys go missing they are actually MIA.
64.) Sean Penn is against fighting, unless it is in a movie, in which case he is so freaking for violence and him doing it.
63.) Pirates came up with such elaborate plans that, after 3 hours of explaining it, you still wonít understand it.
62.) When people die they are just waiting to get overtaken by their hunger for brains. Then they will rise again and walk around like morons. So pretty much only a dietary change.
61.) Everyone in the prison system is wrongfully accused except Morgan Freeman. He shot the guy.
60.) Hitler was such a total prick it is ridiculous.
59.) Harrison Ford likes his sidekicks tall, hairy and indiscernible.
58.) There are a plethora of gin joints in the world to choose from.
57.) The Germans wanted the Ark of the Covenant for crazy ceremonies to mass kill themselves.
56.) Hobbits live in the Shire. Gandalf, a well-known wizard however, is homeless.
55.) Edward Nortonís inner voice is very attractive to most women.
54.) Every time an bell rings an angel gets its wings. Wonder what happens when a car backfires.
53.) People do not die from a series of deep chest wounds. They merely bleed a lot then talk in a low voice for a while. That is unless they are not important to the future. In which case they are as good as dead.
52.) Mark Walberg could take on a legion of super robots and beat them with nothing but a spoon to defend himself.
51.) There is not only life on basically every other star system in the galaxy, but they view us as toys, food, and/or a nuisance. They will be here a couple of years ago to kill us off.
50.) Everyone smokes. You smoke. You just arenít aware that you do and just how cool it makes you look.
(As written by Ted. Reposted with permission.) _________________ "After four pieces of prime rib, the goose is stuffed." --Goose
"if i was a monkey, i would say "eeek eeeek oooo ah ah."......and i'd probably say it a lot." --Goose
"Christmas is coming, the Goose is getting fat..."
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